We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
