i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
