How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
