my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
