I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
3 2 1 whiskey
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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