I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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