you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
i've created a new STD.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
