I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
