How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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