I think I just saw someone hide a body.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
