Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
