new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
