you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
