...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
