Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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