matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
