3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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