he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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