at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
