I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Randomize
