yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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