it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
