I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just want nice things and good sex
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
