i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
