theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
