so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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