I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
