last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
