I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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