It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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