He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
