May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
