I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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