I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
