I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
