I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just forgot I was standing up.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
