apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Randomize
