....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Randomize
