I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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