Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
