You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
