This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
