I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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