I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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