Four minutes until I can fart!
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
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