Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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