In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
People in love make me want to vomit
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
