I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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