I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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