the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
