why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
